How to Train Your Dragon Part 2

If this movie is not about a boy and a dragon, but is instead about a husband and wife (or a wife and a husband) then here is what I learned:

2.  Do not Defend

When Toothless is bound and injured and Hiccup is standing over him with his blade bared and poised to strike, the mighty dragon does not fight.  He simply lays his head down and waits.  Similarly, once Toothless is free from the ropes he was tangled in, Hiccup does nothing to defend himself from the dragon's impending attack.

Dropping your defences is the second step towards building, or repairing, trust in a relationship.

In a marriage, defensiveness can take on many forms: denying, shifting blame, making excuses, going on the offense, changing the topic, and even launching a new attack.  Defensiveness is identified as one of Dr. John Gottmann's four horsemen of the apocalypse along with criticism, contempt and stonewalling in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.  Dr. Henry Cloud in his book, Nine Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Life and Love, calls defensiveness the mark of a fool.  So if being defensive is so destructive, why do people still defend themselves in a relationship?

I think folks defend themselves because they are trying to protect their image, or prevent their signifiant other from discovering underlying insecurities.  They are afraid that if someone found out the truth (they made a mistake, forgot something, had an error in judgement, etc) that they will no longer be accepted or perhaps even loved.  So they defend.  Ironically, it is the defensiveness that kills relationships, not the mistakes, forgetfulness, or miscalculations.  It is defensiveness that reveals deep insecurities.

It takes a huge amount of courage to drop your defences.  It means you are willing to face what-may-come.  It means that you are not only willing to face it, you are willing to face up to it, in other words, you are prepared to take responsibility for the situation along with all the fallout associated with it.  In my opinion, it takes a very big person to stop defending and start digging into the real work of maintaining and repairing a relationship.

Are you willing to drop your defences the next time your spouse bring you a concern?  Am I?

Lord, I pray that my readers will look to you for the courage it takes to drop their defences and face into whatever problem needs solving in their relationships.  I pray they will take that moment when they feel their defences rising to ask you for the willingness and the ability to resist the urge to defend (deflect, deny, blame, make excuses, change the topic, or attack).  I pray that you will help them listen with a willingness and determination to solve the given problem.  Amen.

Readers, thank you so much for visiting!  If you have found this blog helpful, interesting or encouraging, let me know, and share it with your friends!

May God richly bless you in your relationships,

Love Darilyn

How to Train Your Dragon Part 1

How to Train Your Dragon is an inspiring, exhilarating tale about a young man who seeks to understand his enemy.  In understanding, he grows in maturity, wisdom, courage, and eventually frees not only his own people from their ignorance but also the dragons from their oppression.  It is a feel-good movie in every way.  Yet, unlike other happily-ever-afters, this one has a dose of reality in it.


There are a myriad of themes to explore here including racism, prejudice, the value of communication, loyalty, fitting in, true courage, and many others.  But the first thought that captured my imagination is that this movie may just be the best visual aid to accompany Dr. Laura's book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands."  Or, in truth, could represent William Shakespeare's, "The Taming of the Shrew."

If you haven't seen this movie yet, you should.  

• Firstly because if you haven't seen it yet, I may spoil it for you.  
• Secondly, because you will enjoy this blog a lot more once you've seen it.
• Lastly because it is just that good.  

If you have been following my blog for any length of time, you will know that I have never yet done this:

Yet, there it is.  It is worth owning, and I have no hesitations about recommending it.  Now, where was I.  Oh, yes, The Taming of the Shrew...  If this movie is not about a boy and a dragon, but is instead about a husband and wife (or a wife and a husband) then here is what I learned:

1.  Do not kill.

When Hiccup discovers the Night Fury that he has shot down, he stands over the bound and helpless dragon and raises his dagger to kill.  The dragon looks at him and then closes its eyes, and lays its head down as if to accept its fate.  But Hiccup doesn't kill the dragon.  He decides to free it.

As soon as the dragon is free, it jumps to its feet, bears down on Hiccup, and belts out a ferocious roar close enough to blow the hair back off of Hiccups' face.  Hiccup braces himself for the worst -- death.  But the death blow doesn't come.  The dragon scampers off.

So the first lesson is Do not kill.  But since not many of us stand over our spouses with a knife poised to strike, let's break this down a bit.  We may not be using a knife to slice and dice our husbands, but are we using our words?

"The tongue has the power of life and death,"

Proverbs 18:21

So, wives and husbands I implore you -- the next time you have a cutting remark on the tip of your tongue, bite down on it.  Resist the urge to strike.  Picture your spouse as the one who is bound and injured, and helpless.  You know you have the power to bring destruction with what you might say.  But don't.  

Readers, thank you for reading.  I pray this blog is and will be a blessing to you as you seek a closer walk with Jesus and with your spouse.  May God richly bless you.  I love you and thank God for you.

Love, Darilyn

So this is Christmas...

        
          The gifts have all been opened, the turkey's been cooked.  I resisted the urge to run to the mall today to exchange the gifts that weren't "just right."  My husband is sleeping, my teenage son is on his computer, and I have to ask myself, "So, this is Christmas?"

          Why is it, every year, I get caught up in the shopping, decorating, cooking and wrapping, and seem to lose sight of the very reason for the season?  Jesus has come.

          We stress over who's visiting with who, and when.  We stress over how much we are or are not spending on gifts.  How many Christmas parties, events and dinners can we squeeze into our schedules? What does it take to make us feel like our holiday was successful, and like we are significant?  Jesus has come.

          It feels great to see family, and even better to put a smile onto the faces of the ones we hold most dear.  But it is in the quiet moments, when I can sit and reflect, that I finally remember, once again, that Jesus has come.

Jesus, Jesus, Lord to me,

Master, Saviour, New-born King,

Came to change everything,

Jesus, start with me.

Has Jesus come into your heart?  Have you invited Him in, this holiday season?  I pray God will bless you richly this holiday season with an abundance of peace in His presence.

Love, Darilyn

Inception: A Prison of Guilt

          Deep in the subconscious mind of Dominic Cobb there lives a memory of his wife, Mol.  In the basement of his subconscious is the scene of the last night Dom spent with his wife.  It is the hotel room where they spend their anniversary each year.  She has trashed the hotel room to make it look like a struggle has taken place, written letters to her lawyer indicating that she felt her life was threatened, and had doctors certify her to be of sound mind all in an attempt to get Dom to commit suicide with her.  She erroneously believed that the reality they were living in was a dream world, and that the dream world was the reality she needed to get back to.  So she did her best to convince Dom to commit suicide with her.  He didn't.  She did.

          And then he had to live with guilt.  Dom's guilt was two-fold.  First, he was the one to plant the idea in her mind that death takes you home where you belong.  Second, he was the one to survive.

          We all have some sort of baggage we carry around with us.  For some it is guilt, for others shame, regret, insecurity, inferiority, or a host of other possibilities.  Dom's subconscious mind was literally haunted by "Mol" - the personification of his memory of her.  Some of us are haunted too.

          If you catch yourself using phrases like, "If only,,," or "I should have..." then maybe you are also haunted by a memory.  The question is what do we do about it? 

          Does the Lord want us to live like that?  I don't think so.  The Bible says that he has put our trangressions as far away as the east is from the west.  It also says that our sins have been thrown into the ocean and forgotten by God.  It says we are to forget what is behind and strain towards what is ahead.  It is not the Lord who orchestrates the unpleasant reminders, the haunting memories that plague us.

          That is the work of the Accuser.  Our enemy does not want us to live like we are forgiven.  He wants us to drown in our sorrows, literally, if possible!  So how can we defeat the attacks of the evil one?  We can get into the promises of God.

"You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast,

because they trust in you." 

Isaiah 26:3

          Trust that the Lord has forgiven you.  He did.  The first time you asked.  Trust that He loves you.  He does, and always will, no matter what.  Trust that the Lord has a plan for you that doesn't involve torturing your mind with guilt, shame or anything else.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,

“plans to prosper you and not to harm you,

plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11



Readers, you can let your mind rest in the knowledge of God. 

Love, Darilyn