If this movie is not about a boy and a dragon, but is instead about a husband and wife (or a wife and a husband) then here is what I learned:
2. Do not Defend
When Toothless is bound and injured and Hiccup is standing over him with his blade bared and poised to strike, the mighty dragon does not fight. He simply lays his head down and waits. Similarly, once Toothless is free from the ropes he was tangled in, Hiccup does nothing to defend himself from the dragon's impending attack.
Dropping your defences is the second step towards building, or repairing, trust in a relationship.
In a marriage, defensiveness can take on many forms: denying, shifting blame, making excuses, going on the offense, changing the topic, and even launching a new attack. Defensiveness is identified as one of Dr. John Gottmann's four horsemen of the apocalypse along with criticism, contempt and stonewalling in his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Dr. Henry Cloud in his book, Nine Things You Simply Must Do to Succeed in Life and Love, calls defensiveness the mark of a fool. So if being defensive is so destructive, why do people still defend themselves in a relationship?
I think folks defend themselves because they are trying to protect their image, or prevent their signifiant other from discovering underlying insecurities. They are afraid that if someone found out the truth (they made a mistake, forgot something, had an error in judgement, etc) that they will no longer be accepted or perhaps even loved. So they defend. Ironically, it is the defensiveness that kills relationships, not the mistakes, forgetfulness, or miscalculations. It is defensiveness that reveals deep insecurities.
It takes a huge amount of courage to drop your defences. It means you are willing to face what-may-come. It means that you are not only willing to face it, you are willing to face up to it, in other words, you are prepared to take responsibility for the situation along with all the fallout associated with it. In my opinion, it takes a very big person to stop defending and start digging into the real work of maintaining and repairing a relationship.
Are you willing to drop your defences the next time your spouse bring you a concern? Am I?
Lord, I pray that my readers will look to you for the courage it takes to drop their defences and face into whatever problem needs solving in their relationships. I pray they will take that moment when they feel their defences rising to ask you for the willingness and the ability to resist the urge to defend (deflect, deny, blame, make excuses, change the topic, or attack). I pray that you will help them listen with a willingness and determination to solve the given problem. Amen.
Readers, thank you so much for visiting! If you have found this blog helpful, interesting or encouraging, let me know, and share it with your friends!
May God richly bless you in your relationships,
Love Darilyn
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